Living

I know it has been a while since I have written anything. Like I said before, I write when I am moved by a thought or feeling. Almost to the point where I need to get it out or I will feel as though I am going to explode. I don't mean to go on and on about what I have been through the past couple of years, but I almost have to because it has changed me so much as a person. So I feel like I should share that with others with the hope that it will change them as well.

This morning, waking up, so many things were going through my mind. Thoughts of friends, my family, my boyfriend, and my life as a whole. Just recently, I started working again which makes me feel amazing in so many ways. I know it sounds crazy, but lately I have felt so incredibly blessed with so many things in my life. My friends are probably the best friends in the entire world. Being my age and going through what I have, my friends were not prepared to go through something of that magnitude. I understand that. But they stepped up and did what they had to do as friends to make me feel as comfortable as possible because in reality, I didn't want to feel like I was different or that they had to give me special treatment just because of my situation. I don't think I could have asked for a better group of friends. They are my angels.

Now, my family. It makes me want to cry just thinking about them because they are the source of my strength. They have made me into the person I am today, and they did a pretty good job. The support of a family has got to be the most amazing thing to have. It makes me sad to think of those that do not have a good relationship with their family or feel as though they can not go to them for anything. Family is there to be your backbone when you feel like you can't make it on your own. They are always there encouraging me, guiding me in the right direction, and helping out with anything they can. My mother, father, and brother went through a lot seeing me sick in the hospital and sick at home. I feel so grateful to my family for being there for them at those times when they needed it the most. They are my angels.

My boyfriend. (I really hope he doesn't mind me talking about him but he has become a big part of my life). He didn't just pop up out of nowhere. He was always there. We went to middle school and high school together. We never really hung out with the same crowd but it seems as though God put him on this Earth for me, to be there for me when I needed him. I had been sick for almost 2 years when he showed back up into my life. I was just in the middle of trying to be ok with the fact that it would be hard for me to find someone that was going to be ok with what I had been through and was still going through. And then there he was, totally ok with it, willing to be there for me through absolutely anything. Now, you can not tell me that he wasn't heaven sent. I was watching the movie A Walk to Remember the other night and it's about a girl who falls in love with someone totally unexpected but is also battling leukemia. Even though I have seen this movie numerous times, I had not seen it since I have been with my boyfriend. The story hit very, very close to home. She mentions at one point in the movie that maybe God had given her a plan much bigger that she could imagine. That maybe He sent the person she fell in love with to help her through a difficult time. To be her angel. Well, my boyfriend is my angel.

From what I have heard from my parents and from what I have gathered on my own, I was pretty close to not being part of this world anymore when I was in the hospital for that month a couple years ago. I was so out of it and not lucid the majority of the time, so I know for a fact that it was not me keeping me here. It was God and I am certain of that. When you have been that close to death, the first second that I got to truly live was the best moment of my life. How can I not celebrate life when I have so many angels around me! The biggest angel being my grandfather, who I know is definitely watching over me. From what I've been through, I have learned that when you want to do something, do it. When you want to go somewhere, go. When you want to change your life to become a better person, don't wait. And especially, when you want to tell someone you love them, do not hesitate. If I could go back and change the past couple of years, I would not. Everything happens for a reason. We are all put on this Earth for a  purpose, but we will not all be here forever. Celebrate life every day and be thankful for absolutely everything. It will change your life :)

**Hidden Blessings**

So, I haven't written a blog in a while but I feel as thought I should only write when something compels me to or if I just need to vent. Lately, it has started to happen. The issue most chemo patients fear and become anxious about. Hair loss. Until recently, it has only thinned out but I have decided to wear hats and head scarves in order to not have to deal with my hair every day. Out of everything I've been through so far, this is probably one of the hardest things I've had to go through. Not to sound shallow by any means, but for a girl/woman, her hair is a part of her identity. It's an important part in being and feeling feminine. I know it will eventually grow back but the visual image of a pile of hair in the trash can is slightly depressing. Thank God that I have the most amazing friends and family in my life. They have never once treated me differently or made me feel like a charity case and I could not be more grateful for that. Pretty recently, a new and very special person has come into my life. Not only does he make me incredibly happy, but he reassures me and reminds me all the time that I am beautiful with or without hair; scars or no scars. For so long, I thought to myself (not wanting to really mention it to anyone) "Who is ever going to want to be with me with all of this crazy stuff going on in my life?" God heard me and sent this amazing person into my life, even though he had really been there all along. But as we all know, timing is everything and I think God figured that this was a pretty good time for us to finally find each other :) How lucky am I?! I feel like one of the most blessed people in this world. So why am I complaining about such an insignificant thing as hair? Good question...

Patience is definitely a virtue

I don't write on this blog on a regular basis. I only feel compelled to write something if a particular thought won't leave my mind. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about when a person truly grows up. I've had the view my whole life that at 18, you're an adult and you are truly able to contemplate life in a mature, and rational way. Legally, being 18 is considered an adult. But being 24 now, I still think I am years away from truly knowing myself as a person. Thinking about the past 6 years, I have grown a tremendous amount and have become the person I've always wanted to be, but, I still have plenty of room to grow. And I want to continue growing. I always thought that when I was done with college, I would know exactly what I wanted to do and I would settle down into a job that I would have for a good majority of my life. Well, life doesn't work that way. This may just be me, but I'm starting to feel like reaching one's full potential does not even start until your 30's. I might sound slightly naive for thinking this way because I am only 24 but that would only justify my thoughts on maturity. Another random thought, life is all about patience. Don't be rushed to figure out things that can only be figured out through experience. Being in my 20's, this is the time to explore and try things, and also to fail at things. Never be afraid to fail. It only brings you closer to wisdom. Just a thought :)

Love the life you live

I love my life. I absolutely love it. It has taken me a long time and a lot of introspection to get to where I am today but I would not change a thing. I feel like I am finally becoming the woman I have always wanted to be, and it feels amazing.

For a long time, whenever I would hear someone stress about something or complain, I would automatically think to myself, "Really? I would looove for that to be my biggest problem right now!". I have gone through more than most people have in a lifetime but I have finally realized that that does not give me the right to discount someone else's pain or problems. To them, it is a big deal. As my mother has always said to me, "everybody has their own cross to bear". Just because I have been through what I've been through, does not mean that their problems are any less real than my own. I think the purpose of all of our lives is to identify a part of us or a certain situation that is less than ideal and work within ourselves to improve on that. It's easy to think that school or classes end when we graduate, but life is where we truly become educated. There is nothing that tests us more than every day life. Things happen that we do not expect on a daily basis and the goal is to adapt and cope with any kind of situation. I feel that resiliency is one of the greatest gifts to have. It is an incredibly difficult trait to achieve but once you have it, it becomes a life saver.

I know that some people when they look at me or my situation tend to feel bad for me or wonder how I can remain so positive. My answer to that is, how could I not be positive?? I'm alive! I have the most amazing family and friends that have been there for me even when they didn't know how to be. I have an incredible group of doctors that truly care about my well being. God has snuck in little miracles at every turn and He has never and will never leave my side. Yes, I have had a few bad days but every day that I wake up is truly a blessing from God. We all go through rough times in our lives, but God never gives us more than we can handle, and I think I've handled this pretty well :)

The Story of My Life

  Everyone is unique. We have different life experiences, different upbringings, and yes the obvious, different genes. A little bit of each of these are what makes you who you are. They give us our own stories to tell. I remember having to do timelines in class when trying to put events in chronological order. That is exactly how our mind works. We may not remember every single detail, but we do remember the big events in our lives.
  Last year was a year that as much as I want to, I will never forget. At one point, I was hospitalized for a month due to two life-threatening infections. I had three surgeries over the course of about a week and was not very lucid for most of it. These surgeries left me with three pretty significant scars. Later on this same year, I had to go through yet another surgery that left me with an even bigger scar. Being a girl and having visible scars is a very hard thing to get used to. I spent a lot of my time trying to figure out how I could hide them or at least make them less noticeable. Recently, I saw an interview on Chelsea Lately with model, Padma Lakshmi. About halfway through the interview I noticed a long scar on her right arm. I googled her and found out that she had been in a really bad car accident with her parents when she was really young. Instead of me paraphrasing the entire interview, here it is.. http://www.lakshmifilms.com/padma_lakshmi_press2.htm
  Seeing Padma on Chelsea Lately, to me, was like a little nudge from God saying, "Be proud of your scars. They have made you the person you are today". (They do say that he works in mysterious ways). My mother sent me an email once that had an amazing poem in it about what it means to be a good woman. My favorite part of this poem was, "A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons, meant to bring her closer to self knowledge and unconditional self love." I don't try to hide my scars anymore. Maybe one day I will show them off but I do feel like I am finally becoming the woman that I have always wanted to be. They are my timeline. They are the story of my life.

The Beauty of Silence

Lately, I have been through a few things that inspired me to start writing on a blog. A few of my friends have them and it seemed like a pretty good way to share my own thoughts.

In everything I do lately, I try to find the positives, even in bad situations. Recently, I was faced with a few of my own character flaws, or what I used to think were flaws. I'm not the wittiest. I'm not good at "on-the-spot" things (I like to be able to think about things before I answer). I often have a hard time thinking of the exact words to use to describe things. If I get into an argument or heated discussion, I often walk away from it thinking, "I should've said.." or "I wish I would've thought to say..". I used to be incredibly shy when I was younger because I was afraid that I would say or do something and then people would make fun of me because maybe it didn't come out the way I intended it. I think I have carried a little of that with me as I have gotten older. As a culture, we base a lot of our relationships on the depth of conversation we have with someone or how entertaining the other person is. But, isn't it just as much of a plus if we can just sit with someone, in silence, and be comfortable with it? Today, I was driving, alone with my own thoughts, and I started thinking about the topic of "silence". I have always loved my quiet time. It's a time when I reflect on past events, daydream, and think about life in general. In today's world, it seems as though the beauty of silence is a thing of the past. Technology has led us in the direction of ubiquitous sound. In conversation, everyone dreads the awkward silence because either party feels as if it should be filled with something audible. But what's wrong with silence? To me, if I can sit with someone in silence and be totally comfortable and relaxed, isn't that more of a blessing? Falling in love with someone because of the conversation is great, but falling in love with the mere presence of someone seems to be a gift from God. This is not just the case with romantic relationships. Friends or family members that are able to make you feel better with just their presence alone are angels. Never take them for granted. Silence is rare, get used to it!

I would love comments or thoughts about this topic if you have any!